Check, Check, Check...

I feel like my life has turned into a long checklist in the last three and a half months. It’s a very painful checklist of all of the “firsts” that I have to endure without Jimmy. I have gone through a lot of firsts already:

Church Service - check
Valentine’s Day - check
Auston’s Birthday - check
Easter - check
Jimmy’s Birthday - check

Those are just a few of the big ones. I feel like every time I turn around I am doing something that I have never done before without him. It is all just so bittersweet. I know, there is that word again. I feel like it is the only word I know to describe my life right now. What other word better suits that feeling of joy in spite of your pain, or laughter through tears.

In the last two weeks, I have had several more “bittersweet” things that I checked off of my list…

VACATION – Before Jimmy passed away, some amazing friends of ours loaned us their gorgeous condo in Panama City Beach, Florida. Jimmy and I were SO excited about getting away and taking the boys to the beach for the first time. Then the unthinkable happened, and I was left with the struggle of whether or not I wanted to go on vacation without Jimmy. Well, in the end I decided that this was something that I needed to do, not only for myself, but for my kids. It turned out to be one of the most awesome and painful weeks that I have experienced since Jimmy’s death. When we got to the condo, my mouth hit the floor. The condo was gorgeous and the beach was breathtaking. I got so excited and then just as quickly, I was so brokenhearted that Jimmy wasn’t there to see it with me. I watched my boys see the ocean for the first time and was so sad that their daddy wasn’t there to witness it, too. Sunsets would come and couples would walk out on the beach, hand-in-hand. It was a daily reminder of my loss. I would look out into the ocean and remember our trips to the beach. Jimmy loved to just relax and float in the ocean. He was also like a big kid and loved to ride the waves to the shore. He always looked so goofy when he would pop up on the shore, covered in sand and grinning from ear to ear. Our trip just made me miss him so much…BITTER. But, in spite of all of my tears, there was so much that made me smile. I was surrounded by a TON of family and friends on our trip. They surrounded me with love and laughter and never once did I feel completely alone. Braxton LOVED the sand and had an absolute ball making sand castles. He looked adorable in his swimsuit with his sunglasses on. Auston found a shower at the pool that he fell in love with. He spent half of his time outside pulling the cord to make the water run and then drinking so much water he made himself sick (literally!). I watched my sister, mom, aunt, cousins and friends all enjoy this beautiful place. I was constantly in awe of my friends’ generosity to loan us their beautiful home. It all made my heart so full of joy…SWEET.

Vacation - check

MOTHERS DAY - Mother’s Day was full of mixed emotions for me. You wouldn’t think that Mother’s Day has much to do with your children’s father, but when your kids are young, it really does. Jimmy and I planned to be parents together. Neither of us ever embarked on this journey with the intention of parenting alone. Jimmy was always the one to take Braxton and Auston to get me a card or a gift. He was the reason behind Mother’s Day being a special day for me…BITTER. But in spite of my broken heart, my mom was so sweet to take the boys shopping for me for Mother’s Day. Braxton told her specifically what he wanted to get me (a blue shirt and a green shirt and some chocolate candy) and she took him on a search to find just that. Precious. Heather and Ronnie sent me the most beautiful and DELICIOUS Edible Arrangement right before we left for our trip and it touched my heart to know how much they care. My sister gave me a cute make-up bag and some jewelry and the Pelletiers brought me my most favorite cookie ever! I also got a ton of texts and emails from all of my amazing friends and family. It all made me feel so special…SWEET.

Mother’s Day - check

FAMILY PICTURE - This was a “first” that caught me by surprise. It was one that I really hadn’t thought of until I received a family picture from someone else. Their family picture was beautiful, and at first I just thought, “oh how sweet.” Then all of a sudden, I saw the four of them together and it hit me that our family is no longer four, but three. My heart broke and I cried…BITTER. My sweet friend Ginger, who is an amazing photographer, was so sweet to drive out to Florida to be with us the second half of our trip and offered to take pictures of me and the boys. When she did, I knew that it was going to be tough to see pictures without Jimmy in them, but it was something that I had to embrace. This is my story, just the three of us. So, at sunset, we headed out to the beach and had our pictures taken. My kids acted like they were nuts, and the photo shoot was completely chaotic. Ginger captured lots of the craziness on camera, as well as some of the most precious moments with my boys. I am so glad that she took the time to do this for us. I am so proud of how the pictures turned out. I am thankful that my boys have these pictures to remember their first trip to the beach…SWEET.

Family Picture - check

I know that there are so many more experiences to check off of my “list”. For now, I am just so thankful that the Lord has carried me through the tough times that I have already gone through. Thank you Father for joy in the pain. Thank you for laughter in the tears. Thank you for giving us sweet times in the bitter moments of life!

72 Days

Yesterday was another one of those “bittersweet” days for me. Jimmy would have turned 34. It has been 72 days since he passed away. My life as I had known it was completely destroyed 72 days ago. I got to thinking about the last 72 days and they have been the hardest days that I have ever endured.

72 days without Jimmy coming home at 6:30, with Braxton running into his arms and screaming “Daddy” while Jimmy hollered back “Dudes!”

72 days that I have gone to bed alone, without him by my side

72 days without him reading Braxton his bedtime stories and praying with him

72 days without him telling me that he loves me

72 days without him giving Auston his morning bottle while drinking his coffee and watching the morning news

72 days without his big, beautiful smile

72 days without Jimmy - my husband, my best friend, the love of my life, Jimmy – Braxton and Auston’s daddy, Jimmy – the son, Jimmy – the brother and brother-in-law, Jimmy – the friend to countless numbers of people, Jimmy – the Married Life and Home Team Pastor

I look back on all that I have lost and on some days, it is more than I can even bear. I become overwhelmed with grief. Although feeling the pain of my loss is part of grieving, Satan wants me to believe that the story ends there – counting the days, hours and minutes of all that I have lost, stuck in the brokenness of my pain. It is so easy to get stuck in this chasm of sorrow and grief. I am so thankful that the story doesn’t end there...

In the last 72 days, in the midst of my despair, I have experienced a fullness in my spirit that I have never had before. The Lord has been more evident in my life than I have ever known. One verse that the Lord has revealed to me over and over (and over and over!) in the last 72 days is Phillipians 4:6-7. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” This verse is one that so many people have heard, and it was one that I committed to memory a long time ago. I had heard it so many times, that when it began popping up over and over in the last couple of months, I almost blew it off. I guess I was waiting for something more “profound.” I am so glad that I didn’t just blow it off, because in this verse I found something more profound than I ever could have imagined. When reading this scripture, I noticed one simple word – thanksgiving. It is such a small part of the verse that I have read over it a million times, but recently that one word has taken on a whole new meaning to me. I believe that there is nothing that will combat a broken heart more than thanksgiving. It changes your perspective on everything. It takes your eyes off of your pain and puts it on the mercy and goodness of the Lord. I guess that is why Paul put that word in this verse. He knew that thanksgiving was good for the anxious and broken soul. So, in the spirit of thanksgiving, I just wanted to share with you some of the things that I have been so abundantly thankful for in the last 72 days.

I am so thankful that I serve a God that is bigger than death. He is bigger than my biggest problem. He is a God of comfort and of peace. He is a God of provision. He sees the things that we don’t see, and I take rest in that. He carries us through our pain and gives us joy and peace in our sorrow. He is merciful and loving, and He will never fail us. He is unchanging. Thank you God for eternal life. Thank you for the hope that I will get to see you and Jimmy someday and spend eternity with both of you.

I am so thankful for the fourteen years that Jimmy and I got to spend together. I am so thankful for the unconditional love that he gave to me and the amazing husband and father that he was. I am greatful for the lessons that he taught me, just by living his life. He was such a calm and peaceful presence in my life, and he brought me such joy and laughter. I am so proud that out of all of the gazillions of people in this world, God gave me Jimmy to be married to. What a blessing he was to me. I don’t know if you can read this post, but I love you, Babe. You were my everything and I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without you and your influence.

I am so thankful for my sweet children. I am so greatful for the joy and energy they bring to my life. I am so thankful for their smiles and laughter. I am so thankful for Braxton’s childlike faith. He has ministered to me so much through his simple understanding that we don’t need to be sad that daddy is not here. He is up in heaven having a great time and we will see him again. It’s just that simple.

I am so thankful for my family and friends that have surrounded me with their love and companionship. I truly feel like I am not alone because of your presence in my life. You can’t imagine how full it makes my heart to know that I have people that I love right here by my side. It gives me such peace to know that I am not alone.

I am so thankful for the body of believers called Fellowship Church. I don’t know where I would be without each and every one of you. You have prayed for me and my family, supported us financially, sent cards, brought us meals, taken care of our home and yard, visited us and called us. I am so proud to be a part of such an amazing church. It is a beautiful thing to see the hand of God working through the people at FC.

There are so many other countless things that I am thankful for and I could just go on forever. I will leave you with a verse of one of the songs that is on my blog. I just love it and think that it is so beautiful:

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

Thank you God for truly holding me. Thank you to my friends and family for holding me. Thank you to our church for holding me. You will never know how much it means to me!

Let Them Eat Cake!!

Today, at 1:13pm, Auston officially turned a year old. My, how time has flown by! It seems like just yesterday we were bringing this sweet baby home from the hospital. He has grown so much and is now walking and "talking." His favorite word is "baby." It's so sweet to watch him learn new things every day. We celebrated his birthday on Sunday with a house full of people that we love. It was so amazing to look around and see all of the awesome friends and family that God has put in our lives. I am so thankful for each and every one of them. Today is so bittersweet, but I know that Jimmy is up in heaven celebrating this special day with us. Even though there were a few tears shed today, our house was full of joy and laughter as we celebrated his birthday on Sunday. I couldn't have asked for anything more to celebrate this special day. Here is a video of Auston eating his birthday cake at the party. All I can say is "priceless!"

A Reason to Smile

In the past, when I heard a story of someone losing their spouse my first question was, "Did they have children?" If the answer was "yes," my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I always thought that losing a spouse would be easier if kids weren't in the picture. The thought of a parent having to raise children alone while dealing with the loss of their best friend seemed to be more than anyone could bear. Well, I can honestly say that I have never been more wrong in my life. I am more thankful for my children today than I have ever been. They are my reason for getting up in the morning, my reason for singing silly songs, my reason for smiling. The Bible tells us that "children are a gift from the Lord." I am SO thankful for the two little "gifts" that the Lord has given to me. They have blessed me during this time in more ways than I could have imagined.

Auston is officially walking now, and Braxton is, well... he's just Braxton - silly as ever! Here are some videos that I thought would bring a smile to your face. I know that they gave me a reason to smile!

Jimmy Michael York 1975- 2009

Words cannot begin to express my gratitude for all of your prayers and support for me and my family during this devastating time. Your outpouring of love and support has absolutely overwhelmed me. Please know that we feel all of your prayers and God has been (and ALWAYS will be!) faithful to answer them. His love is sustaining all of us as we try to cope with the loss of one of the greatest men this world has ever known.

I have never been more proud of my husband than I am today. Each one of you have shared your stories about how Jimmy has touched your life and it makes my heart smile to know that all of you got to truly see the amazing man that he was. His legacy will continue on through your memories and stories. His ministry will continue, even though he is no longer physically here to carry it out. Jimmy's passion each and every day was to help heal broken marriages and to teach young married people how to create an amazing one. He not only talked the talk, he walked the walk. He was the best husband a woman could ever ask for and he lived out what he taught on stage. If there is anything that he would want any of you to take from his passing, it would be to put God first in your life. When you do that, everything else just falls into place. Jimmy had such a passion for men being true men of God. He challenged husbands each and every day to live up to the role that God called them to. He believed in his heart that we could change the world if we could change men and how they lead their families.

My prayer is that if you don't know Christ personally, that you would come to know Him. I have now witnessed how quickly life can be taken from you. We are not promised tomorrow. We are not promised five minutes from now. The time to turn your life to Christ is right now. Jesus Christ is the ONLY thing that will give you joy, peace, love, passion and purpose. I wouldn't want a single person that knew Jimmy to not know that truth. He lived his life to point others to Christ and I want his ministry to continue. I have peace because I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jimmy is walking with the Lord at this very moment. I hurt for me and my family because he will be so DEARLY missed, but I don't hurt for Jimmy because I know who he belongs to and where he is. I pray that no one that encountered him or our family walks away from us not knowing that truth.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. They are appreciated more than you will ever know. May God bless all of you and your marriages.

Services will be held at the Fellowship Church Chapel
Visitation: Tuesday, February 10, 6:00 - 8:00pm
Memorial Service: Wednesday, February 11, 10:00am

In lieu of flowers we have established two funds in memory of Jimmy:

Fellowship Church, Jimmy York Memorial Fund
Fellowship Church
2450 Hwy 121 N.
Grapevine, TX 76051

Jimmy York Memorial Fund
People’s Bank

Colleyville Branch:
5712 Colleyville Blvd.
Colleyville TX, 76034
817-605-3250

Grapevine Branch:
601 W. Northwest Hwy.
Grapevine, TX 76051
817-251-2820

Oh the Madness!

Braxton & Auston had their pictures taken today. The photographer took 93 pictures and I came home with four poses that I thought were worthy of a frame (well, sort of). It was complete chaos! Auston crawled away from every shot, and just as Auston would sit still, Braxton would get tired and either quit smiling or move around. I was going to post the four decent shots, but really, what's the fun in that? Instead, I decided to share some of the madness with you! I can't help but laugh when I look at these now! Enjoy!











This one is my favorite. Auston's expression says it all. Braxton referred to this pose as "the angry baby." I couldn't have said it better myself!

Auston's New Toy

We decided to get Braxton's old walker out of the attic this past weekend and let Auston give it a whirl. He did pretty well with it for his first try! He is just getting so big!