Check, Check, Check...

I feel like my life has turned into a long checklist in the last three and a half months. It’s a very painful checklist of all of the “firsts” that I have to endure without Jimmy. I have gone through a lot of firsts already:

Church Service - check
Valentine’s Day - check
Auston’s Birthday - check
Easter - check
Jimmy’s Birthday - check

Those are just a few of the big ones. I feel like every time I turn around I am doing something that I have never done before without him. It is all just so bittersweet. I know, there is that word again. I feel like it is the only word I know to describe my life right now. What other word better suits that feeling of joy in spite of your pain, or laughter through tears.

In the last two weeks, I have had several more “bittersweet” things that I checked off of my list…

VACATION – Before Jimmy passed away, some amazing friends of ours loaned us their gorgeous condo in Panama City Beach, Florida. Jimmy and I were SO excited about getting away and taking the boys to the beach for the first time. Then the unthinkable happened, and I was left with the struggle of whether or not I wanted to go on vacation without Jimmy. Well, in the end I decided that this was something that I needed to do, not only for myself, but for my kids. It turned out to be one of the most awesome and painful weeks that I have experienced since Jimmy’s death. When we got to the condo, my mouth hit the floor. The condo was gorgeous and the beach was breathtaking. I got so excited and then just as quickly, I was so brokenhearted that Jimmy wasn’t there to see it with me. I watched my boys see the ocean for the first time and was so sad that their daddy wasn’t there to witness it, too. Sunsets would come and couples would walk out on the beach, hand-in-hand. It was a daily reminder of my loss. I would look out into the ocean and remember our trips to the beach. Jimmy loved to just relax and float in the ocean. He was also like a big kid and loved to ride the waves to the shore. He always looked so goofy when he would pop up on the shore, covered in sand and grinning from ear to ear. Our trip just made me miss him so much…BITTER. But, in spite of all of my tears, there was so much that made me smile. I was surrounded by a TON of family and friends on our trip. They surrounded me with love and laughter and never once did I feel completely alone. Braxton LOVED the sand and had an absolute ball making sand castles. He looked adorable in his swimsuit with his sunglasses on. Auston found a shower at the pool that he fell in love with. He spent half of his time outside pulling the cord to make the water run and then drinking so much water he made himself sick (literally!). I watched my sister, mom, aunt, cousins and friends all enjoy this beautiful place. I was constantly in awe of my friends’ generosity to loan us their beautiful home. It all made my heart so full of joy…SWEET.

Vacation - check

MOTHERS DAY - Mother’s Day was full of mixed emotions for me. You wouldn’t think that Mother’s Day has much to do with your children’s father, but when your kids are young, it really does. Jimmy and I planned to be parents together. Neither of us ever embarked on this journey with the intention of parenting alone. Jimmy was always the one to take Braxton and Auston to get me a card or a gift. He was the reason behind Mother’s Day being a special day for me…BITTER. But in spite of my broken heart, my mom was so sweet to take the boys shopping for me for Mother’s Day. Braxton told her specifically what he wanted to get me (a blue shirt and a green shirt and some chocolate candy) and she took him on a search to find just that. Precious. Heather and Ronnie sent me the most beautiful and DELICIOUS Edible Arrangement right before we left for our trip and it touched my heart to know how much they care. My sister gave me a cute make-up bag and some jewelry and the Pelletiers brought me my most favorite cookie ever! I also got a ton of texts and emails from all of my amazing friends and family. It all made me feel so special…SWEET.

Mother’s Day - check

FAMILY PICTURE - This was a “first” that caught me by surprise. It was one that I really hadn’t thought of until I received a family picture from someone else. Their family picture was beautiful, and at first I just thought, “oh how sweet.” Then all of a sudden, I saw the four of them together and it hit me that our family is no longer four, but three. My heart broke and I cried…BITTER. My sweet friend Ginger, who is an amazing photographer, was so sweet to drive out to Florida to be with us the second half of our trip and offered to take pictures of me and the boys. When she did, I knew that it was going to be tough to see pictures without Jimmy in them, but it was something that I had to embrace. This is my story, just the three of us. So, at sunset, we headed out to the beach and had our pictures taken. My kids acted like they were nuts, and the photo shoot was completely chaotic. Ginger captured lots of the craziness on camera, as well as some of the most precious moments with my boys. I am so glad that she took the time to do this for us. I am so proud of how the pictures turned out. I am thankful that my boys have these pictures to remember their first trip to the beach…SWEET.

Family Picture - check

I know that there are so many more experiences to check off of my “list”. For now, I am just so thankful that the Lord has carried me through the tough times that I have already gone through. Thank you Father for joy in the pain. Thank you for laughter in the tears. Thank you for giving us sweet times in the bitter moments of life!