72 Days

Yesterday was another one of those “bittersweet” days for me. Jimmy would have turned 34. It has been 72 days since he passed away. My life as I had known it was completely destroyed 72 days ago. I got to thinking about the last 72 days and they have been the hardest days that I have ever endured.

72 days without Jimmy coming home at 6:30, with Braxton running into his arms and screaming “Daddy” while Jimmy hollered back “Dudes!”

72 days that I have gone to bed alone, without him by my side

72 days without him reading Braxton his bedtime stories and praying with him

72 days without him telling me that he loves me

72 days without him giving Auston his morning bottle while drinking his coffee and watching the morning news

72 days without his big, beautiful smile

72 days without Jimmy - my husband, my best friend, the love of my life, Jimmy – Braxton and Auston’s daddy, Jimmy – the son, Jimmy – the brother and brother-in-law, Jimmy – the friend to countless numbers of people, Jimmy – the Married Life and Home Team Pastor

I look back on all that I have lost and on some days, it is more than I can even bear. I become overwhelmed with grief. Although feeling the pain of my loss is part of grieving, Satan wants me to believe that the story ends there – counting the days, hours and minutes of all that I have lost, stuck in the brokenness of my pain. It is so easy to get stuck in this chasm of sorrow and grief. I am so thankful that the story doesn’t end there...

In the last 72 days, in the midst of my despair, I have experienced a fullness in my spirit that I have never had before. The Lord has been more evident in my life than I have ever known. One verse that the Lord has revealed to me over and over (and over and over!) in the last 72 days is Phillipians 4:6-7. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” This verse is one that so many people have heard, and it was one that I committed to memory a long time ago. I had heard it so many times, that when it began popping up over and over in the last couple of months, I almost blew it off. I guess I was waiting for something more “profound.” I am so glad that I didn’t just blow it off, because in this verse I found something more profound than I ever could have imagined. When reading this scripture, I noticed one simple word – thanksgiving. It is such a small part of the verse that I have read over it a million times, but recently that one word has taken on a whole new meaning to me. I believe that there is nothing that will combat a broken heart more than thanksgiving. It changes your perspective on everything. It takes your eyes off of your pain and puts it on the mercy and goodness of the Lord. I guess that is why Paul put that word in this verse. He knew that thanksgiving was good for the anxious and broken soul. So, in the spirit of thanksgiving, I just wanted to share with you some of the things that I have been so abundantly thankful for in the last 72 days.

I am so thankful that I serve a God that is bigger than death. He is bigger than my biggest problem. He is a God of comfort and of peace. He is a God of provision. He sees the things that we don’t see, and I take rest in that. He carries us through our pain and gives us joy and peace in our sorrow. He is merciful and loving, and He will never fail us. He is unchanging. Thank you God for eternal life. Thank you for the hope that I will get to see you and Jimmy someday and spend eternity with both of you.

I am so thankful for the fourteen years that Jimmy and I got to spend together. I am so thankful for the unconditional love that he gave to me and the amazing husband and father that he was. I am greatful for the lessons that he taught me, just by living his life. He was such a calm and peaceful presence in my life, and he brought me such joy and laughter. I am so proud that out of all of the gazillions of people in this world, God gave me Jimmy to be married to. What a blessing he was to me. I don’t know if you can read this post, but I love you, Babe. You were my everything and I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without you and your influence.

I am so thankful for my sweet children. I am so greatful for the joy and energy they bring to my life. I am so thankful for their smiles and laughter. I am so thankful for Braxton’s childlike faith. He has ministered to me so much through his simple understanding that we don’t need to be sad that daddy is not here. He is up in heaven having a great time and we will see him again. It’s just that simple.

I am so thankful for my family and friends that have surrounded me with their love and companionship. I truly feel like I am not alone because of your presence in my life. You can’t imagine how full it makes my heart to know that I have people that I love right here by my side. It gives me such peace to know that I am not alone.

I am so thankful for the body of believers called Fellowship Church. I don’t know where I would be without each and every one of you. You have prayed for me and my family, supported us financially, sent cards, brought us meals, taken care of our home and yard, visited us and called us. I am so proud to be a part of such an amazing church. It is a beautiful thing to see the hand of God working through the people at FC.

There are so many other countless things that I am thankful for and I could just go on forever. I will leave you with a verse of one of the songs that is on my blog. I just love it and think that it is so beautiful:

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

Thank you God for truly holding me. Thank you to my friends and family for holding me. Thank you to our church for holding me. You will never know how much it means to me!